Heading to your locally-owned, overpriced coffee shop this weekend to blog on the MacBook your parents bought you? Here are some pointers on what to wear to avoid potential judgement and ostracism by your fellow indie coffee shop patrons.
1) Pantaloons
Ironically Pink Male Corduroys
Despite the high probability of lower limb blood clotting, skinny pants are a must in these circumstances. The corduroys shown above provide both the texture and latent ambience of irony, while allowing your steadily increasing beer belly (due to a lack of mainstream exercise) to rise above the waist and form a hideous, yet well-deserved, indie muffin top. Never forget to roll your pant cuffs twice for good measure.
2) Shirt
Double-breast pocket plaid lad
Layering is always an option when an indie bastard considers what to wear on top. However, during the summer and fall months, a long-sleeve-half-buttoned plaid shirt that reveals a complete lack of chest hair will usually do the trick. Caveat: Be sure that the Urban Pipeline or Mossimo labels are tucked to the inside. Because, after all, what kind of indie bastard buys discounted clothing (save thrift store shopping and bartering with the homeless)?
3) Shoes
The double-knotted denim canvas shoe
Once thought to be the indie footwear of choice, Toms have come and gone with the advent of media publicity and mainstream popularity for the well-to-do shoe company. Alas, there are still some undiscovered brands and uncomfortable styles yet to be found. Take this readapted bowling shoe made from stonewashed denim with a fraying at the heel. Keep in mind that a lack of socks as well as arch support when selecting an indie shoe are critical.
4) Eyewear
Oversized retro thick frames
Disregard your 20/20 vision and constantly replenished bank account (thanks Mom and Dad!) when attempting to assemble the perfect hipster outfit. Although glasses frames run in the hundreds of dollars, you won’t be purchasing lenses for these fashion accessories. Breathe easy, bastards: Despite the oversized look catching on in the mainstream market, these retro frames still have a decent shelf life left in them.
The above advice should not be considered by indie bastards to be a complete list of do’s and don’ts when selecting an outfit. By the time this post is published, nearly all of these fashion statements could potentially have faded into the dismal abyss of the mainstream corporate world. And let’s face it: your indie brethren have judged and will judge you in the past and on into the future. But as long as you keep your t-shirts vintage, your tattoos ironic, your beanies tilted, and your carabiners jingling, there is hope for you to see another day and smoke another American Spirit.
IndieBastard 