Ted Danson Goes Indie

Your Indie Bird of the Week, Thanksgiving Edition

You might have read the title up there and said “Hey, you don’t write a post about a bird every week!” I respond with this: sometimes life does not allow you to be as indie as you’d like to be. I got thrown out of my senior prom for trying to wear those exact same ironically pink cords you read about. We’re not the problem. Pink cords are not the problem. Society is the problem.

Anyway, I would love to be a real indie bastard and give you some random bird this week, but today is Thanksgiving, and we will honor the bird that has a very bad time on this day: the turkey.

The always reliable Wikipedia tells us that the turkey’s we eat on this day descend from Meleagris gallopavo. The fleshy part on the top of the turkey’s beak is called a snood while the part under the beak is known as a wattle. Those are some nice truth bombs to drop on your friends. Turkeys live a mostly mundane life. If I had to live my whole life cramped up next to a bunch of other people waiting to be inevitably slaughtered and have my head chopped off then eventually savored by millions of people every Thanksgiving, all while the farmer may or may not be listening to Creed or Nickelback on the job, I would be a little pissed. Run-on sentences aside, I can see how some turkey fights might break out. When turkeys get mad, they let out a high-pitched shriek, which initiates a turkey duel in which the turkeys essentially duke it out with their large, sharp talons (essentially). Indie bird aggression should not be underestimated.

Also, according to Wikipedia, the male turkey and I try to woo our prospective female species the exact same way:

“Maturing males spend a considerable proportion of their time sexually displaying. This is very similar to that of the wild turkey and involves fanning the tail feathers, drooping the wings and erecting all body feathers, including the ‘beard’ (a tuft of black, modified hair-like feathers on the centre of the breast). The skin of the head, neck and caruncles (fleshy nodules) becomes bright blue and red, and the snood (an erectile appendage on the forehead) elongates. The birds ‘sneeze’ at regular intervals, followed by a rapid vibration of their tail feathers. Throughout, the birds strut slowly about, with the neck arched backward, their breasts thrust forward and emitting their characteristic ‘gobbling’ call.”

My lady-friend Aurora is getting all hot and bothered just thinking about that.

But we mostly see the turkey in it’s natural, most delicious state:

Happy Thanksgiving!

– The Nature Boy

Indie Drinking Games

Forget Beer Pong, Kings, and Flip Cup, fellow bastards. With ironically engraved flasks inverted and additive-free cigarettes burning, we bring to you our picks for the most popular indie drinking games.

 

1. “Oh, You’ve Probably Never Heard of Them”

Rules: Our first indie drinking game requires bastards to assemble themselves in a circle (or any nearly circular shape your IKEA-infested, art district apartment living room can accommodate). A player starts by naming an underground artist or band founded upon poor vocals, mediocre instrumentals, and obscure album artwork . The game continues until a fellow player has indeed heard of the bastardly musical group or if the artist/band has more than 200 fans on ReverbNation and MySpace Music combined. Punishment for the mainstream corporate sellout of your friend group mandates a drink and mild to moderate ostracism for the remainder of the evening.

2. American Spirit Buffalo

Rules: A game that can be played throughout the bastardly night, American Spirit Buffalo requires indies to both light and smoke the entirety of their handmade, shamefully rolled cigarettes using their weaker hand (which, in itself, is an act of nonconformity). If a bastard is ever caught using his or her strong hand, the offender is then required to take the lit cigarette, rub it betwixt his or her palms, and be splashed in the face with a pot of hot fair-trade coffee. Second-degree burns and carpets peppered with loose tobacco shavings are to be expected.

3. Edward Sharpe Hands

Rules: A spin-off of Edward Forty Hands, our next indie drinking game sees bastards strapping overpriced, local microbrewery lager to each hand in an attempt to sound out the unfortunately way-too-well-known choral whistle from Edward Sharpe’s “Home” by blowing the tops of either bottle. The astute bastard will recognize the whistle’s oscillating tone and elude this musical roadblock by pouring beer back and forth between the bottles to complete the task. Edward Sharpe hands ends when the tone-def bastard loses track of his/her current note or (rarely) completes the whistle.

4. Loco for Yoko

Rules: Universal hatred and deep-seated malice fuel the fire for our next indie drinking game. Similarly in “Oh, You’ve Probably Never Heard of Them”, Loco for Yoko starts by first requiring bastards to form an oblong, non-conforming circle. A player starts by naming one redeeming quality of Yoko Ono, whether it be her role as child bearer to John Lennon’s offspring or her mark on the music industry spanning 1968-2009. Due to this ‘mark’ primarily defining itself as breaking up possibly the greatest band of all time and not as her terribly produced solo albums, this indie drinking game (along with John Lennon’s life) tends to end abruptly and can be accompanied by a hail of gunfire. Too soon? It’s been 30 years, bastards.

5. Bastard Takes a Tumbl

Rules: Incorporating multimedia blogging, PBR, and the use of MacBooks, our next indie drinking game is held in high esteem within the socially-alternative world. Bastards each start with the objective of having the most Tumblr posts by the end of the night. Posts may consist of 5-lines of melodramatic poetry, candid-but-clearly-planned black and white off-angle shots of friends in the midst of laughing/smoking, or links to other blogs dealing with the current and future downfall of Western society. However, bastards must start a PBR during each post and not continue to the next until his or her surprisingly popular piss-water is entirely imbibed.

6. Pin the Needle on the Beatle

Rules: Continuing with the trend of diffuse Beatles knowledge within the indie community, Pin the Needle on the Beatle finds bastards testing their true hipster aptitude via efficient phonograph usage. Friends start by selecting a Beatles album of their choosing, placing it on the record player, and assigning a track to the bastard in alternative question. This bastard is then blindfolded, handed the needle, and given one chance to correctly pin the needle on the selected track. Failure to do so results in a drink and the bastard losing all musical privileges for the night, including ambient music selection and partaking in inadequate acoustic renditions of early Avett Brothers hits usually occurring in the teens of times during any indie gathering involving instruments and alcohol.

The First Ever Indie Album of the Week…Starting it General for the Casual But Progressing Bastard

I am honored to be posting the first official Indie Bastard music post on this glorious blog. As everyone hopefully already knows, music is primarily what defines an Indie Bastard as a true “Indie Bastard” as distinguished from a normal conformist bastard. Music, in my mind, is the most important component of the Indie world. For example, a person can be a third-party-supporting, puffin-loving, whole-foods shopping, Pantaloon, Toms, and flannel-wearing, black coffee-drinking prick and still not be anywhere close to an Indie Bastard. You may be thinking, ‘Bev, I am not catching your drift…’ Well, my fellow pretentious bastards, I have two things to say. First, I am not ‘throwing’ you a ‘drift’…what the fuck does that even mean? I have no driftwood and neither I nor anything close to me is drifting through any body of water right now. Is there even such thing as a ‘drift’? Secondly, while this person I just described fits many of the necessary criteria to achieve supreme Bastard (capital ‘B’) status, what if I were to tell you that this man listened to Bieber? Or Green Day? Or Nickelback (hopefully this person would be shot on site)? Or U2? Or Kings of Leon (their new shit that sucks ass)? Or The Rolling Stones? The Eagles? Bruce Springsteen (Heaven forbid…)? He’s not so indie anymore, is he? Maybe he’s nothing more than just an idiotic proponent of pusillanimous cockfaggery…

But anyway, this post (as well as my future posts) is extremely vital for your progression as an Indie Bastard and not, simply, for your progression as a bastard with no swag. We are all here to help you, not to turn you into a corporate goon. I urge you to listen to this album because, without it, you may have no hope to ever become a true Indie Bastard. It is general knowledge in the Indie world that without this album, you are a worthless human being (and a Republican…what?). My album choices in the future will be deeper cuts but, because this blog is an educational tool, we have to start with the basic fundamentals and work our way up.

SO FOR THE FIRST EVER INDIE BASTARD ALBUM OF THE WEEK, I PRESENT TO YOU:

SONIC YOUTH–Daydream Nation

 

Does this album cover remind you of Schindler's List? Fuck that corporate mainstream film. This was five years before that. Look at the angle, the perspective, the tone, the expression...Indie artistic brilliance.

When I think of the word ‘pretentious,’ I do not think of a certain academic or author or politician. I think of Sonic Youth, perhaps the mecca of Indie bands. Formed in 1981 in New York City, Sonic Youth were prominent figures in the “No Wave” art and music scene that was Indie as fuck in the early 1980s. The people associated with this scene were like Devendra Banhart on meth. I mean, for the love of God, the name “No Wave” was a satire of the corporate sponsored, mainstream, obviously horrendous “New Wave” movement. Sonic Youth was probably the most prominent band in the first wave of “noise rock” bands. When you read “noise rock,” you probably think of heavily distorted guitars, appalling lack of vocal prowess, irregular, never-before-used chord progressions that have never been used before for obvious reasons, and inane lyricism. If you are thinking this, then you are right…congratulations.

But the interesting part about Sonic Youth, especially this album which is hailed by Bastards everywhere as a masterpiece, is that, while their music is noise-driven and distorted with sub-par if not horrible vocals, relatively meaningless lyrics, and unbelievably obscure progressions and guitar tunings (when Sonic Youth thinks something is off, they tweak the tunings on their guitars, with most of their songs being almost impossible to replicate by the outside listening guitarist. Most of the tunings had never been used before and the tunings differ on pretty much every track. For this reason, Lee Ranaldo and Thurston Moore tour with dozens of guitars while on tour), there is a twisted beauty to every track on this album. This album is absolutely brilliant and, though an acquired taste for most fans, the album is a high point in the history of rock music. I give most of the credit to Moore and Ranaldo, who weave improvised yet constantly intricately meshing guitar lines with an approach that has not been equaled. To say that they are two of the best avant-garde, progressive, unique guitarists of all time is an understatement. In a critique of Sonic Youth’s 1986 album Evolv, the New York Times praised the band, stating that “Sonic Youth is making the most startlingly original guitar-based music since Jimi Hendrix” (Azerrad; 2001 (from his book Our Band Could Be Your Life)). Great praise indeed. The crazy part is that it’s actually true. From the opening riff of “Teen Age Riot” to the geek-out spaciness of “The Sprawl” to the astonishing 14-minute “Trilogy” which concludes the album, Daydrem Nation is one of the great guitar albums of all-time, right up there with Electric Ladyland,  Layla, Overnite Sensation, Houses of the Holy, Who’s Next, Are You Experienced, Texas Flood, Master of Puppets, Dark Side of the Moon, and future Indie album of the week Marquee Moon. Also, the fact that Moore and Ranaldo play with modified Fender Jazzmasters (now the norm for experimental indie musicians) with screwdrivers jammed in the bridge for sound modification makes the indie glory of this album even more profound.

The biggest reason why Daydream Nation is the first-ever Indie Album of the Week, however, is not even its musical brilliance. This album is THE underground Indie album and it’s arguably the primary catalyst for the formation of the modern Indie youth culture. The album is artsy, pretentious, snarky, punky, innovative anti-pop with pop genius under the surface. Isn’t that what every Indie Bastard craves and wishes for his/herself? It doesn’t hurt that the flannel and glasses-clad singing/songwriting power-trio of Moore, Ranaldo, and bassist Kim Gordon pretty much made flannel and glasses the tits in early underground-indie culture. It is also important to note that Sonic Youth was one of the first ground-breaking bands to have a female bassist, an indie staple since the band’s formation in 1981. Without Sonic Youth, especially this ingenious 1988 masterpiece, there probably wouldn’t be too many legit Indie Bastards in this world, not to mention that there would be hardly any great underground indie guitar bands. Get this album……now.

Bastards, Rejoice

Welcome back to the market, Zooey.

Sorry Ben. Death Cab and The Postal Service are overrated anyway.

The Top Five Bastardly Career Choices for Recent Indie College Grads

Forget putting that overpriced, freshly-earned Vassar College diploma to immediate use, fellow bastards. It’s time for you early 20-somethings go to out into the world in search of mind-numbing, minimum wage jobs that provide just enough of a paycheck to cover rent, cigarettes, and various iPhone accessories. We’ve put together a list of 5 occupations that will both boost your bastard cred and keep you thoroughly isolated from the mainstream corporate world. In no particular order:

 

1. The Emotionally-Distant Coffee Shop Barista

A job at the local coffee shop is one of the most highly sought-after positions for which an indie bastard could apply. Daily interaction with the indie world, gallons of caffeine at the ready, weekly bongo drum poetry readings – what more could a bastard want? Though considered moderately taboo, a position at neighboring Starbucks locations is permissible only on a case-by-case basis. The standard requirement of all indie Starbucks employees cites daily complaints of one’s place of work accompanied by various diatribes of mainstream customers dealt with throughout the day.

 

2. The Opinionated Record Store Clerk

The way to an indie’s heart is through his vinyl collection – inspiration behind our second profession of choice for fresh-out-of-college bastards. For those hipsters choosing this musical route, an expert opinion on which album is better (99.9% of the time, the first) and a working knowledge of antique cash register usage are required. Questioning the hearing and mental aptitude of customers buying the latest Kings of Leon album on vinyl, however, is optional.

 

3. The Independent Film Theater Box Office Worker

A fan of poor cinematography, shoddily-translated subtitles, and austere world views? Our third choice in occupation provides the movie-loving bastard with all of the perks of thoroughly disparaging North American blockbusters while doing it in a non-conventional, plaid-infested atmosphere. When giving ticketing advice to theater patrons, bastardly box office workers must consciously realize that Wes Anderson always trumps Noah Baumbach. Fans of Steven Spielberg or Judd Apatow need not apply.

 

4. The Overzealously-Friendly Organic Grocery Store Cashier

Outrageously-priced produce, linen grocery bags, and aluminum-free deodorant bring us to our next bastardly occupation. Although that 8 oz. bottle of Naked juice rings up as $5 at most Whole Foods locations, compose yourself, bastards – the employee discount drives down the price to normal neighborhood grocery standards. A well-understood foundation of which local farm or fish hatchery supplies your branch as well as the mechanics behind the store’s do-it-yourself peanut butter maker are critical.

 

5. The Alternative Fashion Store Sales Associate

If you’re a bastard whose wardrobe consists of pastel tank tops, retro sweater vests, and tweed golf caps, a position working the floor at your nearest Urban Outfitters or American Apparel location is our indie recommendation for you. Although comparable, more affordable styles can be found at most branches of Old Navy and Gap, please bear in mind that effectively explaining to customers why plain white, low-cut v-neck tees cost $25 is listed in the job description.