Welcome back to the market, Zooey.
Sorry Ben. Death Cab and The Postal Service are overrated anyway.
The Top Five Bastardly Career Choices for Recent Indie College Grads
Forget putting that overpriced, freshly-earned Vassar College diploma to immediate use, fellow bastards. It’s time for you early 20-somethings go to out into the world in search of mind-numbing, minimum wage jobs that provide just enough of a paycheck to cover rent, cigarettes, and various iPhone accessories. We’ve put together a list of 5 occupations that will both boost your bastard cred and keep you thoroughly isolated from the mainstream corporate world. In no particular order:
1. The Emotionally-Distant Coffee Shop Barista
A job at the local coffee shop is one of the most highly sought-after positions for which an indie bastard could apply. Daily interaction with the indie world, gallons of caffeine at the ready, weekly bongo drum poetry readings – what more could a bastard want? Though considered moderately taboo, a position at neighboring Starbucks locations is permissible only on a case-by-case basis. The standard requirement of all indie Starbucks employees cites daily complaints of one’s place of work accompanied by various diatribes of mainstream customers dealt with throughout the day.
2. The Opinionated Record Store Clerk
The way to an indie’s heart is through his vinyl collection – inspiration behind our second profession of choice for fresh-out-of-college bastards. For those hipsters choosing this musical route, an expert opinion on which album is better (99.9% of the time, the first) and a working knowledge of antique cash register usage are required. Questioning the hearing and mental aptitude of customers buying the latest Kings of Leon album on vinyl, however, is optional.
3. The Independent Film Theater Box Office Worker
A fan of poor cinematography, shoddily-translated subtitles, and austere world views? Our third choice in occupation provides the movie-loving bastard with all of the perks of thoroughly disparaging North American blockbusters while doing it in a non-conventional, plaid-infested atmosphere. When giving ticketing advice to theater patrons, bastardly box office workers must consciously realize that Wes Anderson always trumps Noah Baumbach. Fans of Steven Spielberg or Judd Apatow need not apply.
4. The Overzealously-Friendly Organic Grocery Store Cashier
Outrageously-priced produce, linen grocery bags, and aluminum-free deodorant bring us to our next bastardly occupation. Although that 8 oz. bottle of Naked juice rings up as $5 at most Whole Foods locations, compose yourself, bastards – the employee discount drives down the price to normal neighborhood grocery standards. A well-understood foundation of which local farm or fish hatchery supplies your branch as well as the mechanics behind the store’s do-it-yourself peanut butter maker are critical.
5. The Alternative Fashion Store Sales Associate
If you’re a bastard whose wardrobe consists of pastel tank tops, retro sweater vests, and tweed golf caps, a position working the floor at your nearest Urban Outfitters or American Apparel location is our indie recommendation for you. Although comparable, more affordable styles can be found at most branches of Old Navy and Gap, please bear in mind that effectively explaining to customers why plain white, low-cut v-neck tees cost $25 is listed in the job description.
Indie Eye for the Mainstream Guy
Heading to your locally-owned, overpriced coffee shop this weekend to blog on the MacBook your parents bought you? Here are some pointers on what to wear to avoid potential judgement and ostracism by your fellow indie coffee shop patrons.
1) Pantaloons
Ironically Pink Male Corduroys
Despite the high probability of lower limb blood clotting, skinny pants are a must in these circumstances. The corduroys shown above provide both the texture and latent ambience of irony, while allowing your steadily increasing beer belly (due to a lack of mainstream exercise) to rise above the waist and form a hideous, yet well-deserved, indie muffin top. Never forget to roll your pant cuffs twice for good measure.
2) Shirt
Double-breast pocket plaid lad
Layering is always an option when an indie bastard considers what to wear on top. However, during the summer and fall months, a long-sleeve-half-buttoned plaid shirt that reveals a complete lack of chest hair will usually do the trick. Caveat: Be sure that the Urban Pipeline or Mossimo labels are tucked to the inside. Because, after all, what kind of indie bastard buys discounted clothing (save thrift store shopping and bartering with the homeless)?
3) Shoes
The double-knotted denim canvas shoe
Once thought to be the indie footwear of choice, Toms have come and gone with the advent of media publicity and mainstream popularity for the well-to-do shoe company. Alas, there are still some undiscovered brands and uncomfortable styles yet to be found. Take this readapted bowling shoe made from stonewashed denim with a fraying at the heel. Keep in mind that a lack of socks as well as arch support when selecting an indie shoe are critical.
4) Eyewear
Oversized retro thick frames
Disregard your 20/20 vision and constantly replenished bank account (thanks Mom and Dad!) when attempting to assemble the perfect hipster outfit. Although glasses frames run in the hundreds of dollars, you won’t be purchasing lenses for these fashion accessories. Breathe easy, bastards: Despite the oversized look catching on in the mainstream market, these retro frames still have a decent shelf life left in them.
The above advice should not be considered by indie bastards to be a complete list of do’s and don’ts when selecting an outfit. By the time this post is published, nearly all of these fashion statements could potentially have faded into the dismal abyss of the mainstream corporate world. And let’s face it: your indie brethren have judged and will judge you in the past and on into the future. But as long as you keep your t-shirts vintage, your tattoos ironic, your beanies tilted, and your carabiners jingling, there is hope for you to see another day and smoke another American Spirit.
Your Indie Bird of the Week
You see that bright beak? Yeah, this one is ready to breed.
Despite being in the genus Fratercula, the puffin is our choice for Indie Bird of the Week. These badasses are generally from Iceland and the northern Atlantic and Pacific coasts where they terrorize the water for food like fish and zooplankton. They can actually hold several small fish in their bill to feed to their chicks instead of regurgitating swallowed fish. Puffin chicks obviously have it better than most bird chicks because their parents are cool enough to feed them LIVE FISH. This is also helpful because they can go on longer foraging trips and bring back more food. Their beaks get brighter during breeding season, which turns on everyone and bad decisions are made. Ever wake up next to an ugly puffin in the nest after a long night of foraging and realize the mistake you’ve made? Agony. The puffins even have their own cereal, which looks quite delicious. The cereal actually supports Project Puffin, which helps to restore seabird habitats. If you’re trying to get really indie, this is the way to do it. Just be sure to be listening to The National while eating the cereal.
Note to small fish: Don't fuck with this guy.
Unfortunately, those heathens in Iceland as well the Faroe Islands hunt and eat Puffins. They hunt them by swinging big nets near low flying Puffins, who are clearly just trying to hang out and live off the land. I don’t care how delicious they might be Iceland and Faroe Islands, this is not very cool. If you know somebody who is from either of these countries, tell them that this aggression will not stand man.
I hope you enjoyed not only the puffin but the Indie Bird of the Week feature in general. If you’ve got a favorite indie bird that you want featured, let us know.
-The Nature Boy
The Post-Beatles-Breakup Indie Bastard
Dwarf-like John Lennon glasses and plaid. Need I say more.
"A working class indie bastard is something to be"
The Indie Bastard
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