Indie Album of the Week. Yes, it’s Been Almost Two Months. I’m a Terrible Person. Burn Me With American Spirits When We Meet Again.

OK everyone…let me explain myself. The long delay was due to me being a lazy Indie Bastard. It had nothing to do with me not having the time. I have just been a lazy bitch. I am just as God made me.

But anyway, the following album is one that I have been indulging myself in constantly over the past few weeks. It is an album that I stole from a friend’s father back in the day even though I had no idea what it was (I used to be a terrible person and pretty much still am). I guess I digged it at the time (I was eleven…) but the CD format was just despicable to me so I limited myself to only a few dabbles (Might I add that around the age of ten was when I discovered my parent’s vinyl collection? A true Bastard was born). It was not until I got my hands on a vinyl recording, however, when the genius of the album took my brain and fucked it sideways. Some may call this a deeper cut than my previous album of the week Daydream Nation and some may not. Some may also find this selection shocking. Some culturally illiterate morons may have never heard of it. So, to all my fellow established (but still anti-establishment) Bastards, progressing Bastards, and aspiring Bastards indulging in general Bastardity and seeking indie education, here is your Indie Album of the Week:

 

INXS–Kick

 

The 80s glory of this album cover is matched only by every album that Huey Lewis and The News ever released. Luckily for INXS, they don't suck ass like Huey and co. Also, it is important to note that the half-face shot has been an indie staple for facebook profile pictures among the Bastard community for five years running.

 

This album is an especially interesting album in the Indie Album Hall-of-Fame and it is perhaps the only one of its kind. Now you may be thinking ‘Bev, why is this album so special? Please enlighten me because, being a true Bastard, you are better than I am.’ Well, my fellow aspiring and progressing Bastards, the answer to your question is quite haunting. The fact that the album is such a prominent album in the Indie Bastard community simply makes no sense. Why is this? Brace yourself and hold onto your wool snow beanies that you wear in July…

The album was a monumental commercial success on a global scale. The album topped the charts in Australia and New Zealand, peaked at number three in the US, number 9 in Germany, and number 11 in the UK, not to mention that the album spawned four top-ten singles in the US alone AND raped the MTV VMAs. If the selection of this album has now disgusted you, then I ask you to fuck off. After-all, would you ever call Kid A an album not worthy of the Indie Album Hall-of-Fame? Hell no. Hopefully I don’t shatter your faith in the world by telling you this, but Kid A did top the charts (in the US, UK, Canada, France, Ireland, and New Zealand).

 

Anyway, if you are still reading, I will explain to you why this album has been selected for this week (or month, or two months if I remain a lazy bitch). In short, the album is brilliant. In my mind it rivals Thriller, Purple Rain, and Sign O’ The Times as the best pop album of the 1980s. Also, being a lover of great guitar albums, I may surprise everyone by saying that this is an essential guitar album. While there are no real extended solos or anything particularly virtuosic on Kick, the simple but brilliant guitar riffs that highlight “Devil Inside”, “New Sensation”, and “Need You Tonight” are impossible to not consider legendary. Everybody knows the riff to “Need You Tonight”, even if they have no idea who INXS even is. The riff itself is the real hook of the song.

The lyrics to the album are phenomenal as well. You won’t find many songs with better lyrics dealing with greed, lust, and the sad state of the world than you will in “Devil Inside”, one of the highlights of the album and my personal favorite. Here’s a sample lyric, the first stanza being the first verse and the second stanza being the closing verse. Keep in mind that this was a huge pop album on a global scale…no dance-able pop album should have lyrics this good:

“Here comes the woman / With the look in her eye / Raised on leather / With flesh on her mind / Words as weapons sharper than knives / Makes you wonder how the other half die”

“Here come the world / With the look in its eye / Future uncertain but certainly slight / Look at the faces / Look at the bells / It’s hard to believe we need a place called Hell”

Realer than fuck while also being fun as fuck. Also, the members of the band are Australian…tell me that’s not badass.

 

Now you are thinking ‘Bev, you have made this album sound immortal but I still don’t understand why it’s essential for indie education and the progression of my Bastardity. The overwhelming success of it makes it seem the opposite of pretentious and Indie.’ Well, my friends, I sincerely hope the next three facts ease your mind and allow you to embrace the poppy but brilliant greatness that is Kick. First, the way they dressed could be considered in today’s Indie world as pioneering. Secondly, the members of Girls (a band destined for Indie Album of the Week recognition) cite it as one of their top five favorite albums of all-time. Thirdly, in 2010, the album was covered in its entirety by Beck. Fucking Beck. One of the kings of the Indie world.

I’ll get back to you Bastards soon. If you have a problem with the album or have other insights that I missed, comment and let me know. While I will most likely pretentiously disregard your comment even if it is valid, at least you will give me something to bitch about (which all Indie Bastards crave).

Listen to this album because it is good.

Your Indie Bird of the Week, Thanksgiving Edition

You might have read the title up there and said “Hey, you don’t write a post about a bird every week!” I respond with this: sometimes life does not allow you to be as indie as you’d like to be. I got thrown out of my senior prom for trying to wear those exact same ironically pink cords you read about. We’re not the problem. Pink cords are not the problem. Society is the problem.

Anyway, I would love to be a real indie bastard and give you some random bird this week, but today is Thanksgiving, and we will honor the bird that has a very bad time on this day: the turkey.

The always reliable Wikipedia tells us that the turkey’s we eat on this day descend from Meleagris gallopavo. The fleshy part on the top of the turkey’s beak is called a snood while the part under the beak is known as a wattle. Those are some nice truth bombs to drop on your friends. Turkeys live a mostly mundane life. If I had to live my whole life cramped up next to a bunch of other people waiting to be inevitably slaughtered and have my head chopped off then eventually savored by millions of people every Thanksgiving, all while the farmer may or may not be listening to Creed or Nickelback on the job, I would be a little pissed. Run-on sentences aside, I can see how some turkey fights might break out. When turkeys get mad, they let out a high-pitched shriek, which initiates a turkey duel in which the turkeys essentially duke it out with their large, sharp talons (essentially). Indie bird aggression should not be underestimated.

Also, according to Wikipedia, the male turkey and I try to woo our prospective female species the exact same way:

“Maturing males spend a considerable proportion of their time sexually displaying. This is very similar to that of the wild turkey and involves fanning the tail feathers, drooping the wings and erecting all body feathers, including the ‘beard’ (a tuft of black, modified hair-like feathers on the centre of the breast). The skin of the head, neck and caruncles (fleshy nodules) becomes bright blue and red, and the snood (an erectile appendage on the forehead) elongates. The birds ‘sneeze’ at regular intervals, followed by a rapid vibration of their tail feathers. Throughout, the birds strut slowly about, with the neck arched backward, their breasts thrust forward and emitting their characteristic ‘gobbling’ call.”

My lady-friend Aurora is getting all hot and bothered just thinking about that.

But we mostly see the turkey in it’s natural, most delicious state:

Happy Thanksgiving!

– The Nature Boy

Indie Drinking Games

Forget Beer Pong, Kings, and Flip Cup, fellow bastards. With ironically engraved flasks inverted and additive-free cigarettes burning, we bring to you our picks for the most popular indie drinking games.

 

1. “Oh, You’ve Probably Never Heard of Them”

Rules: Our first indie drinking game requires bastards to assemble themselves in a circle (or any nearly circular shape your IKEA-infested, art district apartment living room can accommodate). A player starts by naming an underground artist or band founded upon poor vocals, mediocre instrumentals, and obscure album artwork . The game continues until a fellow player has indeed heard of the bastardly musical group or if the artist/band has more than 200 fans on ReverbNation and MySpace Music combined. Punishment for the mainstream corporate sellout of your friend group mandates a drink and mild to moderate ostracism for the remainder of the evening.

2. American Spirit Buffalo

Rules: A game that can be played throughout the bastardly night, American Spirit Buffalo requires indies to both light and smoke the entirety of their handmade, shamefully rolled cigarettes using their weaker hand (which, in itself, is an act of nonconformity). If a bastard is ever caught using his or her strong hand, the offender is then required to take the lit cigarette, rub it betwixt his or her palms, and be splashed in the face with a pot of hot fair-trade coffee. Second-degree burns and carpets peppered with loose tobacco shavings are to be expected.

3. Edward Sharpe Hands

Rules: A spin-off of Edward Forty Hands, our next indie drinking game sees bastards strapping overpriced, local microbrewery lager to each hand in an attempt to sound out the unfortunately way-too-well-known choral whistle from Edward Sharpe’s “Home” by blowing the tops of either bottle. The astute bastard will recognize the whistle’s oscillating tone and elude this musical roadblock by pouring beer back and forth between the bottles to complete the task. Edward Sharpe hands ends when the tone-def bastard loses track of his/her current note or (rarely) completes the whistle.

4. Loco for Yoko

Rules: Universal hatred and deep-seated malice fuel the fire for our next indie drinking game. Similarly in “Oh, You’ve Probably Never Heard of Them”, Loco for Yoko starts by first requiring bastards to form an oblong, non-conforming circle. A player starts by naming one redeeming quality of Yoko Ono, whether it be her role as child bearer to John Lennon’s offspring or her mark on the music industry spanning 1968-2009. Due to this ‘mark’ primarily defining itself as breaking up possibly the greatest band of all time and not as her terribly produced solo albums, this indie drinking game (along with John Lennon’s life) tends to end abruptly and can be accompanied by a hail of gunfire. Too soon? It’s been 30 years, bastards.

5. Bastard Takes a Tumbl

Rules: Incorporating multimedia blogging, PBR, and the use of MacBooks, our next indie drinking game is held in high esteem within the socially-alternative world. Bastards each start with the objective of having the most Tumblr posts by the end of the night. Posts may consist of 5-lines of melodramatic poetry, candid-but-clearly-planned black and white off-angle shots of friends in the midst of laughing/smoking, or links to other blogs dealing with the current and future downfall of Western society. However, bastards must start a PBR during each post and not continue to the next until his or her surprisingly popular piss-water is entirely imbibed.

6. Pin the Needle on the Beatle

Rules: Continuing with the trend of diffuse Beatles knowledge within the indie community, Pin the Needle on the Beatle finds bastards testing their true hipster aptitude via efficient phonograph usage. Friends start by selecting a Beatles album of their choosing, placing it on the record player, and assigning a track to the bastard in alternative question. This bastard is then blindfolded, handed the needle, and given one chance to correctly pin the needle on the selected track. Failure to do so results in a drink and the bastard losing all musical privileges for the night, including ambient music selection and partaking in inadequate acoustic renditions of early Avett Brothers hits usually occurring in the teens of times during any indie gathering involving instruments and alcohol.

The Top Five Bastardly Career Choices for Recent Indie College Grads

Forget putting that overpriced, freshly-earned Vassar College diploma to immediate use, fellow bastards. It’s time for you early 20-somethings go to out into the world in search of mind-numbing, minimum wage jobs that provide just enough of a paycheck to cover rent, cigarettes, and various iPhone accessories. We’ve put together a list of 5 occupations that will both boost your bastard cred and keep you thoroughly isolated from the mainstream corporate world. In no particular order:

 

1. The Emotionally-Distant Coffee Shop Barista

A job at the local coffee shop is one of the most highly sought-after positions for which an indie bastard could apply. Daily interaction with the indie world, gallons of caffeine at the ready, weekly bongo drum poetry readings – what more could a bastard want? Though considered moderately taboo, a position at neighboring Starbucks locations is permissible only on a case-by-case basis. The standard requirement of all indie Starbucks employees cites daily complaints of one’s place of work accompanied by various diatribes of mainstream customers dealt with throughout the day.

 

2. The Opinionated Record Store Clerk

The way to an indie’s heart is through his vinyl collection – inspiration behind our second profession of choice for fresh-out-of-college bastards. For those hipsters choosing this musical route, an expert opinion on which album is better (99.9% of the time, the first) and a working knowledge of antique cash register usage are required. Questioning the hearing and mental aptitude of customers buying the latest Kings of Leon album on vinyl, however, is optional.

 

3. The Independent Film Theater Box Office Worker

A fan of poor cinematography, shoddily-translated subtitles, and austere world views? Our third choice in occupation provides the movie-loving bastard with all of the perks of thoroughly disparaging North American blockbusters while doing it in a non-conventional, plaid-infested atmosphere. When giving ticketing advice to theater patrons, bastardly box office workers must consciously realize that Wes Anderson always trumps Noah Baumbach. Fans of Steven Spielberg or Judd Apatow need not apply.

 

4. The Overzealously-Friendly Organic Grocery Store Cashier

Outrageously-priced produce, linen grocery bags, and aluminum-free deodorant bring us to our next bastardly occupation. Although that 8 oz. bottle of Naked juice rings up as $5 at most Whole Foods locations, compose yourself, bastards – the employee discount drives down the price to normal neighborhood grocery standards. A well-understood foundation of which local farm or fish hatchery supplies your branch as well as the mechanics behind the store’s do-it-yourself peanut butter maker are critical.

 

5. The Alternative Fashion Store Sales Associate

If you’re a bastard whose wardrobe consists of pastel tank tops, retro sweater vests, and tweed golf caps, a position working the floor at your nearest Urban Outfitters or American Apparel location is our indie recommendation for you. Although comparable, more affordable styles can be found at most branches of Old Navy and Gap, please bear in mind that effectively explaining to customers why plain white, low-cut v-neck tees cost $25 is listed in the job description.

 

Indie Eye for the Mainstream Guy

Heading to your locally-owned, overpriced coffee shop this weekend to blog on the MacBook your parents bought you? Here are some pointers on what to wear to avoid potential judgement and ostracism by your fellow indie coffee shop patrons.

 

1) Pantaloons

Ironically Pink Male Corduroys

Despite the high probability of lower limb blood clotting, skinny pants are a must in these circumstances. The corduroys shown above provide both the texture and latent ambience of irony, while allowing your steadily increasing beer belly (due to a lack of mainstream exercise) to rise above the waist and form a hideous, yet well-deserved, indie muffin top. Never forget to roll your pant cuffs twice for good measure.

 

2) Shirt

Double-breast pocket plaid lad

Layering is always an option when an indie bastard considers what to wear on top. However, during the summer and fall months, a long-sleeve-half-buttoned plaid shirt that reveals a complete lack of chest hair will usually do the trick. Caveat: Be sure that the Urban Pipeline or Mossimo labels are tucked to the inside. Because, after all, what kind of indie bastard buys discounted clothing (save thrift store shopping and bartering with the homeless)?

 

3) Shoes

The double-knotted denim canvas shoe

Once thought to be the indie footwear of choice, Toms have come and gone with the advent of media publicity and mainstream popularity for the well-to-do shoe company. Alas, there are still some undiscovered brands and uncomfortable styles yet to be found. Take this readapted bowling shoe made from stonewashed denim with a fraying at the heel. Keep in mind that a lack of socks as well as arch support when selecting an indie shoe are critical.

 

4) Eyewear

 

Oversized retro thick frames

Disregard your 20/20 vision and constantly replenished bank account (thanks Mom and Dad!) when attempting to assemble the perfect hipster outfit. Although glasses frames run in the hundreds of dollars, you won’t be purchasing lenses for these fashion accessories. Breathe easy, bastards: Despite the oversized  look catching on in the mainstream market, these retro frames still have a decent shelf life left in them.

 

The above advice should not be considered by indie bastards to be a complete list of do’s and don’ts when selecting an outfit. By the time this post is published, nearly all of these fashion statements could potentially have faded into the dismal abyss of the mainstream corporate world. And let’s face it: your indie brethren have judged and will judge you in the past and on into the future. But as long as you keep your t-shirts vintage, your tattoos ironic, your beanies tilted, and your carabiners jingling, there is hope for you to see another day and smoke another American Spirit.

The Indie Bastard

Welcome. This site will be dedicated to chronicling the journey of one specific bastard, as well as the indie populous in general. Feel free to comment openly and help make this website one of the leading IndieBastard blogs on the web. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

The Bastard Himself